MY Therapy Sesion

Do you think there's anything outside the skies of this earth.

Do you? 


Have you ever seen outside the skies of this earth?

During the day, we see clouds. I  see objects that were made by beings floating through the sky. 
I see some that set patterns. I see trees dancing in the winds. I see snow covering the ground. I see beings gathering for food. When I look away from the ground, I see blankets of white covering everywhere the sky can reach. 
I can trace them down to the whte blanket that covers the ground. That is all that I can see.

I believe there is so much more. 


I believe what I have seen. What I have read in books. What I have observed, either in... prayer or in ceremony. In life. What I've witnessed. With death. 
That is all I have seen.

My eyes have seen so much more. 


My eyes have seen the televisions. The horrors of the world painted around me. Audio frequencies filling my ears. 
Without a fear, everything outside my doorway. I sit, and I tremble. knowing what these eyes have seen.

But what I have felt… These eyes could not see. The emotions I hid. Because I was... afraid of the way others would see me. 
And as I let them go now... I believe... what I can feel. And what I can feel, these eyes they cannot see. The emotions. As they pour out. 
I'm literally getting choked up and coughing as I record this. These emotions that I hid for so long; the sadnesses, the pains... It wasn't that I... hid the bad memories. 
It was that I hid... everything. I don't... didn't remember any of it. And throughout all the therapy... 
All the medications. All... the bullying. The shaming. 
Through all of that, I guess, honestly... None of those mattered because... 
I'm feeling it now. I'm... you know, it's... I'm feeling good emotions. 
I'm feeling bad emotions. I'm sad, but I'm, I'm so happy that I'm feeling sad. I get angry, but I'm so happy that I get angry. 
I'm allowing myself to feel these emotions. I'm allowing myself to feel the good and to remember the good. Because through all of the therapy, they only really focused on the bad shit that happened. 


Well, tell me about your childhood.

Well, you know, I don't I don't know. I guess it was kind of like every other childhood. 


Oh, really? Well, what about your parents? How are they? 


Well, they... I guess they were, like, all my other friends' parents, you know?

Well, did they ever hurt you? 


And bang. The whole fucking story changes right there. That moment... 
Right There.

It already starts you painting a picture that... 
There's something wrong with how I grew up. You know, I went in there. I thought I was... 
I thought I was just like all the other kids around me. Maybe... Maybe not. 
Maybe... Whew. Yeah, maybe, maybe I did go through some shit, and all of a sudden, you start pointing your fingers... 
This, pointing your fingers at that. I have had to work through a lot of... those moments of... Yeah, I did have a fucked up childhood. 
I did. But, oh, you know, the ego steps in and it's like, Yo, it ain't that bad. Look at this guy. 
Look. Look what he had to deal with. Kid, we don't have it that bad. 
Let it go. And the ego steps in, and he keeps telling you that shit over and over and over and over and over. And... it doesn't get rid of the pain. 
It just makes it smaller. It's like, yeah, it stings, but whatever. Let it hurt. 
You know? It's, you know, it's, it's... just makes you beat yourself down. to belittle yourself a little bit more, and more, and more, and more, and more, and to devalue every thing about you, so that you, mean absolutely nothing. You know, they do that in boot camp. 
Beat you down. And then when they get you down there, they build your back up. And they make you... exactly what they wanted you to become. 
On top of the world. Best of the best, right? I felt it. 
Loved it. Loved that excitement. That... 
That was amazing. Whew, what a high. Yeah. 
Could do anything. I was completely... indestructible. No, you don't need emotions. 
The body is capable of so much more than you think it is. And its body over mind. Let your body start to... control the mind? 
Makes you more primitive in your thinking. You take care of certain necessities that, as long as you have them, well, you're good.

So... 
I now accept the fact that I completely volunteered to enter my period of service to the system. Whereas I was not fit for, um, Hardcore military service. I saw my fair share of my own hells. I served for four years. Like I was out for a while, and then I got involuntarily reactivated. back into service. 
When I got back from... that... shortly after... My son... was... created. Shortly after, I entered... the system again. 
This time. I served my prison term. I worked at the prison, in Massachusetts. I had tried to get out of the system, years before. When I got out of the Marines initially, I was... lost as anybody else really is when they get out of the service. 
Don't know what the hell way up is anymore. I took a job, I worked for the Delaware Department of Corrections, 'cause, you know, a small town kid that grew up went in service, 'cause he wanted to be a cop when he grew up. And what a great stepping stone to get into the Department of Corrections, so I can see what the other side looks like. 
Yeah. Sorry for anybody that's either listening or reading. If that just sent chills down, your body. 
Same way it does in mine saying it. So, I worked there, and... I didn't like working in the prison. 
I was like, man, I don't, this is why I got out of the military. Like, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna work with my head on a swivel. I, I, you know, in this... city max prison that's got a courthouse and overnight lockup and everything else and in the same building. 
It was like a dose of hay, Do you want to work in corrections? And, uh, I knew right then the answer was, No, I I really don't. 
It's weird. When I took the job, I got an offer from the Bureau of Prisons to start at Fort Dix in New Jersey. But they would have had to... 
I would have had to wait about 12 weeks before they could hire me. And I, uh, I took the job in Delaware. And said, Well, I kind of want to work now. 
I'm not sure if I even want to do this work, but I don't want to wait longer to find out. So I turned down the Federal Bureau of Prisons back in 2000 and went to Delaware, and there I was. Like I said, I found out really quick. didn't want to do that kind of work. 
So I left there and started working for a lumber company. of all things. Interesting that the trees somewhat called me home. Kind of a modified way, I guess, when you're living in a... 20 minutes outside of Philadelphia. 
Um... The trees are limited. I should have just seen the message. 
But. I do now. Interesting. 
Let's say, uh... I like it when I see those synchronicities pop up. Hmm. 
So, yeah. I went and worked at the lumber yard and... that was cool. 
Had fun. Completely was not a prison. 
And then the opportunity came to say, uh, do you want to move back home? Yeah, I did. I wanted to get back home. 
I wanted to move back to Massachusetts. Definitely wanted to move back. I was... 
I was away from home, technically, I guess. Yeah. So I moved back up to Massachusetts, and... went to UMass for civil engineering. 
I wanted to figure out how things worked. Basic mechanics of it, and... figured out really quick that, um, I should have paid a lot more attention in high school. 'Cause whereas I graduated in 1994 and then did a year at community college afterwards. 
I really didn't, um, dig too deep intellectually. Until... I got to college again. 
And that was... Well... six or seven years after I graduated high school. I can't remember. 
And I'm not about to go look it up. So as I went to college, I realized, wow, I am so lost. I don't know if I'm gonna be able to do this. 
And I started to... kind of... question. Why am I going to school for this? What's this even gonna do? 
Do I want to... Do that?

Then 9/11 happened. 
The system called me back. I went to Quantico for about two months. The system wasn't the same as it was when I had left it. 
And this system and me didn't really get along too well. So I asked question. I questioned... where they were gonna have me, working, what I was gonna be doing. 
And I said, I'm an infantry Marine. If you're calling me back, that's why I expected you to call. If you're not gonna use me for that, you don't need me. I talked to a Lieutenant Colonel and he asked me to stay away from... his full time guys because the brainwashing had clearly worn off. And he would do everything he could to get me out of there by the end of the week. And I came home. again. 
I went back... to college. And... couldn't get back into the swing of things there again, either. That's when I got lucky. 
My wife was pregnant, and... I was going to be a dad. I no longer had to think of what I have to do. 
I didn't think of myself again for a while. I just needed to be dad. And I was. 
I figured it out. I went to Devens for an interview. I walked through the prison. 
And I said, It's kind of weird, but... all right. I got this. I like the layout. 
Seemed a lot, Safer than the last walls I was behind. So I took the job at Devens. 
Said this would be a good foot in the door. A couple years in, I went down to DC. I did a job interview for the Capitol Police. Pretty glad I didn't take that job right now. 
I stayed at Devens. I was there for quite a while, that... It was really the... post 911 crew that was getting out. of the service that started coming to work with us. 
I started having that, Should have been me, feeling. I mean, I'd seen my... share of darkness. 
But I didn't think it compared. to what these guys saw. So I buried my pain. I said mine, mine doesn't matter. 
Mine doesn't matter at all. Wow. These guys... these are my heroes. 
And I let my pain go. Buried it. Again. 
After working with these guys for a while... we both realized the same thing. What causes your nightmares doesn't matter. It's the fact that none of us can sleep. 
And started opening up with them, and they started opening up with me. And I started to let go of those things. Started to be more okay, talking about... what fucked me up. 
What did I see? And why it bothers me. And I find that there's a lot of similarities in our stories, when we all talk together. Sometimes we get a little bit animated when we talk about things. 
Me, as somebody that... used to be quite animated, talking about things. I try to stay calm now. I try to... describe my emotion and what I'm feeling. 
So that way, I truly understand what I'm feeling. If I'm angry, then I want to know that it's okay that I'm feeling angry. So a lot of things going on right now that I'm angry about, but... 
I'm not gonna focus only on those. It's strange. Sitting here now, watching... 30 or so birds out my window. 
And whatever I was talking faded into the scenery.

Thank you for reading, I am a work in progress. This is what your tax dollars buy you. This is the cost I am paying for writing that blank check to serve the country. I just want you to be more aware of what you paid for.

This is what healing looks like. Its not pretty. Its not easy. It’s a bigger fight than I ever thought I could handle. Each day my enemy is the face looking back from my mirror. Each battle is within myself. Each day a token of the sacrifices I was willing to accept. Each story a tear I once never let myself cry.