January 12 2026

I woke up at 3am

I couldn't sleep

Something burning in my mind

Thoughts racing

Breathe

Focus

Grounding

Repeat

Mind still racing

Thinking back

Way back

I stayed back in first grade

I wasn't "Mature enough" to go onto second grade

Thats what the label said

Special language classes for me

What did they focus on

I crossed both T's in my last name at the same time

That was what they were worried about

I crossed both T's at once

Time after time I was told they are individual letters

Maybe I didn't really care

Maybe that didn't matter

Maybe you should have asked more

Why was I so quiet in class

Why was I so withdrawn

Maybe you would have asked the right question

Maybe I wouldn't have held it in for so long

Maybe it more than just two letter T's

Maybe ..... NO

It wasn't the T's

I was quiet because of what you didn't know

What you didn't ask

What the world told me to never feel

Maybe if you let me cry that one time

Maybe you would have seen

Maybe you didn't care at all

Truth is

It doesn't matter

Thats what you always told me right?

It doesn't matter

I am glad that I didn't matter enough then to anyone else

It showed me where to look when I am in my darkest times

Not through the windows to the world

No

I look deep in my own mirror

I see that child there

Crying in the shadows

I care

I will listen

I will share

I matter

You matter

We all matter

Don't let anyone force you to grow up faster than you're ready for

Healing isn't about being OK with what happened

Healing is telling yourself it was never your fault

All the guilt and shame I have carried for so long

That 5 year old that was held down that day

He matters

His voice will never go silent again

Talk to your children when they are quiet

Its what they don't say that sings the loudest